Friday, 2 February 2007

Instructions from Maalie

Why is it that whenever Maalie comes to stay I end up thoroughly sozzled? Me on a de-tox too. We started off with Industrial Strength Gins and Tonic, followed by wine and then Weapons Grade Scotch Whiskey from Azerbaijan. Before we hit the bottles he very patiently showed me how to wiggle pictures on my blog, showed me how to put photos on a cd from 'my pictures' and then from my camera. I will now try to put in practice everything he showed me. Unfortunately I can't remember where the icons are that can change the size and colour of the print. I do hope he had sobered up this morning before he took to the road in his Twitemobile

Maalie and Fair Trader at Wren's wedding


Went into the Pound Shop today and had to grovel and do my impersonation of Uriah Heap before they would serve me. They were somewhat peeved about my description of their bubble bath and to punish me they made be buy a crate of it. Ann, you know what to expect for the next ten year's Christmas and Birthday presents. I also bought a toy for Badger and a toy for Allan. Badger's toy is a long, blue bit of plastic with a scoop at one end with a ball in the scoop. The idea is that you hurl the plastic stick over your head and the ball shoots out and goes miles. Only it doesn't, or at least, not with me. It sort of plopped a few feet in front on me. I did manage to get the hang of it by the end of the walk, but still can't hurl the ball anywhere near the impressive distances some of the dog walkers manage. Perhaps if I twizzle round a few times like an Olympic Hammer Thrower I could get it to go further.


Badger's New Toy


Ann's Christmas and Birthday present


I bought Allan a toy lion that if you press his tummy he growls just like a real lion! Badger loves it when I make him growl, and she growls along with him.

Allan's New Toy

26 comments:

Ann said...

My pressie - is it the proper perfume, or just the eau-de-toilet? A girl has standards.

lorenzothellama said...

Well they have mixed perfumes so you can have a different one each time you receive one. There is the standard Coty L'Aimant and then there are the perfumes made by the local Stockport Perfumiers. These include 'Midnight in Heaton Norris', 'Essence de Edgeley' and the ever popular
'L'eau de Brinnington'.

Estelle des Chevaliers said...

Yes, His Majesty's patience is as extensive as his knowledge and wisdom. Nicely formatted post indeed.

lorenzothellama said...

Why thank you Estelle. When am I going to have the priviledge of meeting you and showing around our beautiful village? I'm sorry to say that Mr Maalie was not very forthcoming when questioned about you and the most I learned was that your age was somewhere between 15 and 75. Surely you can do better than that?

Estelle des Chevaliers said...

Lorenzo, I should have thought that bath stuff you bought would be rather corrosive, isn't it? Maybe for cleaning the bath afterwards perhaps?

All right, I have put a little about myself on my blog this morning. I think I will use my little blog as a place to put things that please me, but I don't expect to write very lomg stories.

lorenzothellama said...

Possibly it is a bit corrosive. I did mention before that it is good for burnt pyrex but when it foams up under hot running water it is soooo tempting to hop in too, the scent of Toilette de Adswood is very pungent and heady, one can feel quite drugged. It also has the advantage of being an excellent exfolliant, due I suspect to the Ajax powder, and after a good scrub with the loofah, the skins simply glows with health and cleanliness.

The Fairtrader said...

A loofah? What fancy goods are these? Have you never tried the abrasive green scourer side of a common washing up sponge? Works a treat - and you can get a pack of ten with change from a shiny fifty pence piece.

lorenzothellama said...

Green scourer indeed. You'll be suggesting Brillo pads next.

Anonymous said...

Thanks very much for getting Allan the lion. He's not yet into toys; Morrissey and the noise of the kettle boiling seem to do it for him.
By the way, Miki is most impressed to see the picture of her and her son on the Internet.

I'm rather jealous of Badger. I'd like a go on that tennis-ball-throwing contraption, but where would I be able to practise in this overcrowded city?

The fairtrader said...

I would only suggest brillo pads for the hard skin areas, such as elbows, feet and teeth. You might need to floss afterwards.

lorenzothellama said...

Would you like me to bring Badger's toy to Japan? Unfortunately she has already chewed the ball to pieces and ripped great chunks of rubber from it so it no longer bounces. I'll scour round under chairs, settees, beds, dressers etc. to find some of her old lost tennis balls and see if they fit the scoop. Surely the Emperor wouldn't mind you having a play in his big garden at the Palace?

Fairtrader: Had a go with the Brillo pads as you suggest and it has taken all the skin off the bottom of my feet, elbows, knees and teeth. I then gave myself a massage with lard, so my whole body is really soft and fragrant. No need to floss as the wirey bits in the Brillo get rid of absolutely everything, including your gums.

The fairtrader said...

Goodness Lorenzo - you better make sure you don't go near any hungry rottweilers or sharks. With your lard aroma and bleeding gums you might seem like a fine tiffin. Take care if you take Badger to the brook - there be hammerheads in there.

Maalie said...

Oooh! What a lot of comments since I last looked! Glad to see my guidance has obviously worked so well, you'll be asking for a web-cam next! :-)

Be careful with Badger and that sling-shot device, David killed Goliath with one of them things you know!

Hello Fair Trader, when are you coming to Maalie Court?

Red-crowned Crane, glad you've worked it out how to post a comment :-)

lorenzothellama said...

Mmmm.. you've a point there. Perhaps I'll knock off the lard in favour of three-in-one oil and I'll sellotape up my mouth so the bleeding gums don't attract too much attention. I'll keep a good watch out for the Hammerhead Sharks. I hear there are String-Rays in the Macclesfield Canal, the odd Manatee has been seen swimming near Hawk Green, once there was an influx of Portugese Man o'War in Poynton Brook and a Conger Eel was spotted in the River Bolin last Tuesday.

Maalie said...

Talking of perfumes and deodorants and stuff, did you hear about the bloke who went to the cosmetic counter in Boots asked the sheila if she had any deodorant. She asked him if he wanted the "ball type".

"No", he said, "it's for me arm pits".

lorenzothellama said...

That joke is as bad as the bloke who went into the chemist and asked if they had any talcum powder. The chemist said 'walk this way sir' and the bloke said 'if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder'.

Tortoiseshell said...

Classic blog post, Lorenzo. Your best yet...?

the fairtrader said...

Yes, that was very funny. What about the man who went to the doctor with the concern that he had salad stuck up his bottom. The doctor takes a look and says that it doesn't seem too bad, the man replies gravely "I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg".

That joke makes me laugh everytime. I don't think my sense of humour is very sophisticated.

Maalie - I know I must come a visiting soon. I'm about to move house, but when things have settled down it would be lovely to come and visit the court.

Got to go and make some brocoli soup now.

Maalie said...

Fair Trader, soup with dollops of toffo floating innit?

lorenzothellama said...

Thank you Toitoiseshell for your kind comments. Hope you notice I can now wiggle photos. I have been looking at your site but all that geocaching makes my brain go funny as I don't really understand it. Perhaps one day when you are up here we could have a go together and you could show me what to do.
I laughed too at that joke Fairtrader. Thought it was brilliant. Maybe my sense of humour is a tad juvenile too as I still think the first dirty joke I was ever told (by Charmian) is one of the funniest I have ever heard and still makes me laugh.

The fairtrader said...

Maalie - you have a fixation with tofu. There might even be a name for it. Tofuphobic perhaps. Was that time we served it to you really so bad? Brocoli is quite a different fruit altogether. The soup worked out quite nicely though thank you very much.

Lorenzo - don't leave us hanging on, what is this joke?

lorenzothellama said...

Oh I don't think I can say over a public blog, but it has to do with four dogs.

Maalie said...

Fair Trader, did you know that toffo is curdled soya? It sounds a disgusting as it looks!

C'mon, we want the joke!

Estelle des Chevaliers said...

Ooops! I have sent my blog into orbit in the blogosphere (according to His Majesty). Seems I was trying to be too clever with my template. I'm working on it...

Tortoiseshell said...

Lorenzo, I'll let you know when I have some musings about faith on the blog coming up...

Thesaurus Rex said...

Isn't the dog supposed to throw the ball for it's human?