Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Confession Time

I've sinned. Yea, I've sinned, so it was off to the Deli today to be shriven by Father Ann. Her usual confessional is in a corner of the Deli, hard up against the espresso machine. It's fairly private there, but now and again we have heard Berkant sniggering as he pulls one of his industrial strength coffees. It's amazing how long he can take frothing up the milk when there's a good penance going on.

Berky laughing while some poor penitent gets terrible retribution from Father Ann.

The privacy of the confessional.

Word got out that Father Ann was doing the business today.

Tools of the trade. Many a lashing from this little beauty.

Just sterilizing one of the purging tools. We don't want any nasty infections or suppurating wounds now, do we?

Father Ann has employed me as her booking secretary and press officer. For appointments please leave a comment on the blog. Father Ann doesn't come cheap, but then you get what you pay for. Any requests can be poked through the grill. She also accepts Paypal.

Oh dear, oh dear, some people just can't be trusted to treat the good father with the respect she deserves. She is being pestered with strange sounding appointments and seemingly dodgy requests, so late last night she booked herself into the Fatmikespa for a bit of cosmetic surgery. Incidentally, she found his address through google. It's She is now in hiding for her own good and the good of the Deli, and I have been sworn to secrecy about her current appearance. Well, what the heck .........

Just come back from a morning of treatment with Fatmike. I must say he works very quickly, albeit a bit roughly at times. I can just about put up with the needles, but even I draw the line when he gets the tongs out of the fire, and believe me, I know all about pain. I'm not a friend of Father Ann's for nothing. Unfortunately I'll have to pay her yet another visit to confess that I swore at Mike and then kneed him in the thingies. And the bruises from last time I confessed still haven't healed.

Anyway, he's done a very good job on me, and I am now fit to be photographed for Martin.

Maalie stayed here last night and this morning (Saturday) he made me do a humiliating egg test, results on his blog. At least Scaredy can breath a sigh of relief now he's gone to Lapland!


Craver Vii said...

That's priceless! You two are so funny.

My first confession is that I am coveting that cup of coffee. What was it exactly?

lorenzothellama said...

Well Craver, you did promise Father Ann a public confession. Now I hope you won't be disappointing us!

Covet away Craver! A couple of those coffees and people with a weak constitution start behaving like hyper-active psychopaths.

Father Ann said...

Did someone say 'coveting'? Oh yes, it's you Craver. Between craving and coveting, I'm not sure I have a confessional 'slot' long enough for your sins.

However, stick your head in vat of boiling oil for now, and I will get back to you later.

Pray for mercy.

Hyde DP said...

thanks for popping up to Hyde - the Running In shop isn't owned by Ron anymore - see my earlier post

Halfmom, AKA, Susan said...

Hello LtL - what a wicked funny post!

I tried to leave you a comment in your last post to say that I'm finally home from playing in the hurricane - but I think it was lost in amongst the rest.

Is your email back up and running where you can access it?

And to father ann, I am in line behind Craver and it will take quite a long time, so you should please save up on your mercy and grace quotient for the day before I get there

The Lone Beader said...

Ha! Cute post;)

tut-tut said...

That coffee IS rather nice; as is that fetching outfit with the feel of the lash to come!

Martin Stickland said...

Gosh! you have me all a blushing!

Nice post and pose!

Thanks once again for your oh so funny comments on my blog, now get you butt around here and help me to sort the mees that you and your gang have made!! And who stole my sponge Bob pants?

Ju's little sister said...

Something made me think of you.


PS - I'm scared of Father Ann.

Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

me too JLS... must be the Antipodes in us having that effect. (Unless it's just the lapsed catholic's fear of the word confession;-)

Father Ann said...

Halfmom 'it will take quite a long time'

What is it with you and Craver. What on earth do you get up to?

Martin Strickland - as for you, there will be no 'blushing' in my confessional. I have a whole list of purges to deal with the sin of blushing.

See you all in the sin bin.

lorenzothellama said...

Maalie, could you go through to The Lone Beader's blog and do the link for her? I can't remember how you do it and I volunteered your services!

Sez said...




lorenzothellama said...

Sez: Translate please.

Maalie said...

Tened cuidado means something like "take care", "watch out" or "beware".

Si it means something like: Watch out, I spy llamas!

Martin Stickland said...

I thought that the photo of Father Ann with the naughty bottom wacker was you or perhaps it is you or Anne. Will we ever see a photo of you or if that is you calling yourself Ann then we have seen a photo of you even though I did think it was you being someone else but you ... if you get what I mean.

I have a headache now and need to go and lay down.

All you bloggers out there are a bit mad me thinks.

Help! .... Mummy!

lorenzothellama said...

Martin, that was indeed the great Father Ann! Unfortunately the rush to the confessional has completely knocked her off her feet and she is resting after her face change with Fatmike.

Yes, she is very pretty and quite naughty, unlike me who is tight-lipped, humourless, bad-tempered, intolerant. sulky, pasty-faced old hag.

Love Lorenzo.

Halfmom, AKA, Susan said...

Father Ann, Craver and I have very sensitive consciences, so it doesn’t take much. Besides, we are both willful people – he’s just much quieter about it than I.

LtL – I wouldn’t worry too much about Mrs Craver’s sensibilities – she’s a pretty sturdy lady – and after all, she does live with Craver VII!

Martin Stickland said...

Thanks for descibing yourself but do you have any bad points? tee hee!

You are a very funny lady so do not ever write that you are humourless again.Have you a pasty face as in whitish or do you mean that your face looks like a Cornish pasty squashed at both ends?

Go on, post a piccie of your mug

lorenzothellama said...

Aw Martin, I don't want to frighten my readers. Yes, pasty faced as in Cornish Pasty, or in my case a Linda McCartney Soya Mince In Gravy Imitation Pasty!

I think the warthog maalie so kindly put on my blog for me is the nearest we can get.
Love Lorenzo.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Forgive me Father ann, but are you visiting with a certain Father Ted, at present? I am almost certain that was you.. (wink)

Merisi said...

This is quite frightful! How can you two drink coffee when people are dying to confess? ;-)

somepinkflowers said...

this is brilliant...

**seemingly dodgy requests**

one can only imagine...

love than father ann
takes paypal.


must rush over to

i am ever so hopeful...

Ju's little sister said...

Lorenzo you are a tricky llama.

Re: the Spanish Exclamation, I asked Raelha to translate "Look out, there are llamas" for me, as I have a llama here at work too and he is the one who put me on to the Monty Python sketch.

So Raelha gave "tened cuidado, hay llamas" to Plumpy and you can catch it there on his comments page.

Plumpy tells Scaredy to give Father Ann the 'clawed cuddle' trick. He hopes Scaredy has nice sharp claws for some serious 'clawing in ecstacy.'

lorenzothellama said...

Actually, Father Ann is allergic to cats and dogs so she gives both Scaredy and Badger a wide berth.

Scaredy is scared of her anyway. He's seen her at work with her whipping stick and beats a hasty retreat and hides when she comes round here to chastise Peter. Badger loves her. Badger loves and trusts everyone.

I'm such a dumbcluck with my Spanish. Father Ann speaks it like a native. (A native of England I might add!)

Off to have my eyelashes curled, my eyebrows mowed, my nose straightened, my teeth extracted, my ears pinned back, my lips collagen implanted, my wig re-measured and my wrinkles botoxed at Fatmikes. After that I'll put a photo on the blog for Martin.


Martin Stickland said...

Me think ye dus kid us and treat us as mere baffoons! Nice try but I know a pretty patsie when I see one just like me knows a 'Ficking' Father from Father Ted too. Now where is the real picture of you for us all to see or will I have to tell people about the little accident you left in the spare room when you crashed here whilst I was away.

Only joking, if you do look like a Cornish Pasty then I can undetsand why you are so shy but if you had of looked like a cherry bakewell then that would have been another story!

Martin Stickland said...

I beg to disagree young Sir! Episode 2, show four, scene 27, line 12 he says 'Fick' due to a bad cold!

Okay, okay! you've got me, it is feck

Oh Feck!

Now, is that you dressed up as Patsy?

Ruth said...

I'm a bit lost. La la la la la . . .

Raelha said...

Fecking excellent!

Hope Scaredy is hidden away somewhere snug and safe from Maalie. Although I really think he deserves a good scratching for the warthog/gorilla/hippo/fecking llamas pictures!

Phew, just had four friends visiting for four days which is why I've not been commenting before. It's a shame because even I may have been tempted to open my soul to Father Ann while she was still taking confessions. I need a fecking holiday myself now.

Raelha said...

PS Don't forget the lentil and the tofu - lots of it.

lorenzothellama said...

Maalie's here. Not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since I left Craver at Martin's house. Why is it as soon as I see Maalie, I start on the gin and tonics?

Yours feeling slightly woozy,

Merisi said...

Oh Lorenzo,
you need to start with the gin and tonic before HRH arrives. The initial shock will be less severe, you may even greet him at the door giggling. ;-)

The Fairtrader said...


I don´t know what tened means, I think it should probably say tener, but I think it is meant to say "take care, there are llamas".

I am a bit scared to come back home now that Ann has completed her evening class in Fatherhood (part 1), I don´t think she is officially allowed to confess until she has part 2 under her belt, but who am I to expose a fake?

somepinkflowers said...

nice try,
sweetie darling,
nice try!


Martin Stickland said...

Help ... Mummy!

I have just knelt before Father Anne to confess and I am not sure if he, I mean she is a father.

I have come to the conclusion Lorenzybum that you and all of your visitors that leave comments are 'As mad as March hares' and 'One sandwhich short of a pic nic' In other words, you are all bonkers!

PS As lovley as father Anne is can you please take him, sorry I mean her back now? She is dribbling and has made a mess near where you left your little mess.

Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

Did you see HRH The Nomad before or after his latest sojourn to Lapland? He is voyaging overseas so very frequently I can't keep up!

lorenzothellama said...

Sorry Martin, Father Ann is with you for a while longer. (If you insist on putting an 'e' on her name, you will get a further lashing. She's not fecking Anne Robinson don't you know!).
I told you she is hiding from the Authorities after she went into the Twilight Home for the Golden Aged and doled out punishment to some of the old gentlemen for sins they had committed when they were young Jocks.
And another thing ... Fairtrader has rumbled her. She's actually not got her black belt in confessions yet, only in karate.

Merisi, I was determined not to have any gin and tonic last night but to face Maalie cold stone sober. Fat chance. One look at his oh so benevolent features and I hit the bottle. Scaredy scrammed and Badger wagged her tail trustingly. Mad dog.

Kiwi, he's will be on his way to Lapland after he has washed all the booze out of his system and done the dreaded 'egg test'. See his blog later on today when he prints the results.

Maalie said...

Martin (and others): you can see a picture of Lorenzo the Llama HERE

Raelha said...

'tened' is the plural form of the imperative of tener. If you're only talking to one person you use 'ten cuidado'. You can also use the infinitive 'tener cuidado' but this is usually for a more general audience e.g. on a warning sign: 'Be careful, there are llamas!'. In spoken language it's also possible to skip the 'tener' part altogether and just say 'cuidado'. This is what is common in Spain anyway, it may be different in Latin America, which, after all, is where llamas come from.

Raelha said...

I've left a message for Father Ann at her current retreat and offered her sanctuary here should be be evicted. And we have extra-fresh, free-range eggs here should you wish to accompany her!

If I were there, I'd have to stroke Scaredy's tummy right now.

Martin Stickland said...

Nice warm pussy pic!

I is pissed but happy

Who are these people left on my blog, do they not have homes to go to?

Rauf said...

Honestly Lorenzo, i don't understand a word, it all sailed over my head. i blame my poor English knowledge for that.

Hope you are doing fine Lorenzo, jogging, walking.
My love to scaredy and Badger.

Been away, got back home yesterday.

Ju's little sister said...

Oh Scaredy is JUST ADORABLE!!!

I am going to keep Plumpy away from this post for a long time or he will get jealous - I just want to cuddle that cat!

So John Cleese and the Python-boys were right then, llamas do live in the Amazon River?

Ju's little sister said...

I'm not sure I agree with Maalie's test Lorenzo.

As well as TCA's opbjections, Maalie failed to seperate the two arguments "Farm Fresh eggs vs. caged eggs" and "Free range eggs vs caged eggs"
By carelessly failing to seperate these two tests he has compromised his conclusion. If only he could be given a taste of his own medicine!

Barbara said...

I checked out your egg tasting test. I had similar with a group of Americans who did not believe that I could tell the difference between real loose tea with boiling water or just hot water.
I failed the test.

Thesaurus Rex said...

Cheers for the comment. Oh, how my heart swells with pride when I realise anybody I don't know reads any of that stuff and feels any need to pass comment. I was a bit bored and disillusioned with blogstuff, so thanks for renewing my enthusiasm with your eclectic mix of lunacy and llamarism. By the way, the photo doesn't show the scaly, viscious toothed part of my face as it may scare people. Please visit me again cos it makes me happy.

Father Ann said...

Blimey LtL, next time you come for confession at the Deli, you could give us warning. It's no joke trying to ram a Llama between the olives and the pistacio nuts. Anyway we did it. Good job too by the sounds of it.

Luckily, I have no other god than discretion - so your sin with the pickled gherkin is safe with me. Just stay out of the kebab shop for a while and let me smooth things over with Demitros.

simon said...

I have often wished I could go to lapland but everytime I try she kicks me off! ahahahahahah!!!!! cough cough splutter

Halfmom, AKA, Susan said...

AHHHH my dear LLAMA - you have been TAGGED!!!!! Please play my silly game!!

oldmanlincoln said...

Amazing post. So much nicer than my tomato horn worm. What was I thinking?

Tortoiseshell said...

Hi Lorenzo, I've done my first post in ages. Pretty boring but it's the firast birthday of my blog!

Ann said...

Tortoiseshell - I have just tried to put a comment on your shiney new blog, but couldn't, because you don't let non-bloggers on.

Just wanted to say happy 'Geobirthday' what ever that means. Will you be having a geocake with geocandles? Pass the geoparcel? Blindman's geobluff? Musical geochairs?

Where can I find out what geocaching means? Do you hide objects for other geocachers to find, or, (if its possible) is it more exciting than that.

Halfmom, AKA, Susan said...

Ok you naughty Llama - if you don't play sweetly Craver and I are going to have to drag you over to Father Ann!

Martin Stickland said...

At last! I can write a comment now I have got rid of that silly warning box that keeps popping up!

How are you? I am fine, I hope you are too.

Well, that's the niceities over and done with!

Put the kettle on, I will be on my way in a minute, if I satyed for a Month with my family, two uncle, Mum, Dad, Gran and the local butcher would that be outstaying my welcome? I have to get my own back for the mess you left.

Ju's little sister said...

Lorenzo, I hear you and the pals talking about Word Impoerfect a lot and to tell the truth , the more people love a thing the more I am reluctant to 'go with the masses' but I assure you I have a few friends I am going to be introducing it to! Another llama has seen it already!

Thank you for your vote, and it was my first time too!!!!

PS - I didn't know Essex was mostly rural, but had heard the people were considered simple folk ;-)