Thursday, 29 November 2007

Maalie on the Telly

Last night I discovered an old bottle of Cointeau hidden at the back of a cupboard. I'll have that, I thought. I settled down to work on my soon to be finished, multi-coloured crochet shawl, and put Corry on.



Nice isn't it? Still I bet everyone will pretend they don't know me when I am wearing it, just like they did when I proudly wore my Lowestoft's fisherman's oilskins and sou'wester. It can be very hurtful when your family disown you.

I digress. There was an exciting episode of Coronation Street and wise words from The Diet Doctors when they failed to make an 18 stone lady lose weight! She actually put on 7lbs by the end of the programme. She was a stroppy little madam and wouldn't give up smoking for anyone, let alone the doughnuts, so perhaps not so wise words after all.

Digressing again. Should I make a cup of cocoa and get a digestive bickie or carry on watching. Decided on another Cointreau. Ooo, it's Alan Titchmarsh. Ooo it's nature. Well, this was interesting. All about male dotterels being cuckolded by their mates (nice one Alan), sphagnum moss and skylarks. I never knew sphagnum moss could be so interesting. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard this blonde Sheila (Maalie's word, not mine) start speaking in a 'David Attenborough' type hoarse, throatie whisper.



"If we are very quiet, and we creep up slowly, we might just see a twite in his own habitat". Cut to Maalie with something in his hand. Oh he did look nice in his little woolly hat. I think he must have known they were coming, because it's not always safe to creep up on Maalie in woods or lay-bys. You never know what he might be doing.

"What's that in your hand, my good man?" the Blonde asked. "errrrrrm ... it's a tit" replied Maalie. Close up of tit in Maalie's hand.



"Yes, very nice" she said peering closely at it. "I see you are holding it between your fingers". "eeerrrm .... yes. That's how you hold them. I'm going to let it go when I have put this little red ring on it's little brown leg".



Maalie deftly shoved a red plastic ring on the little brown leg. The tit was ready for release.

"Do you want to do it?" he breathed at the Blonde.

"Oh not again" she sighed. "We've only just finished you runcible man".

"Er, no, I meant let it go"

"Oh. Yes. Of course".

She took the little bird carefully in her hands and crushed it to death.

"Shit" muttered Maalie.

44 comments:

Maalie said...

Yes, that's pretty much how it went. It will be repeated on Sunday but you have to be in the North West to see it.

Merisi said...

Those Reality TV shows really like to show strong exit scenes! During Sunday's repeat, are they going to kill the same bird or has Maalie a new sacrificial bird ... er ... on hand?

lorenzothellama said...

Not sure what Maalie will be up to on Sunday Merisi. Depends whether he is on marsh, moor or mountain. All I know is he supposed to be a dab hand and holding tits.
Lorenzo.

Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

Wow.... I am impressed.... I have been blogging with a TV star :-) But sadly, I will never get to see the footage!

lorenzothellama said...

One or two of us are fighting for the newspaper rights to 'My Life With Maalie'. We've each got a tale to tell about such a famous film star. At the moment we are negotiating with The Sun and The Star.
Lorenzo

Thesaurus Rex said...

Not doing tit jokes, they're far too obvious. Quick question for Maalie. Is that a willow or marsh tit. My best guess is marsh. They're so keeyooooot!

Maalie said...

Yes, quite right T.R., it's a Marsh Tit. I'm doing a research study on them in Cumbria, hence the involvement of the BBC.

Magdalene said...

Hahahaha! Lorenzo you are completely mental!

I love the tiny birdie sooo much. In fact seeing the little creature in Maalie's big mitt will no doubt bring on another spate of my 'having to take care of small creatures' dreams. It's usually tiny birds, but sometimes kittens and babies too. Sorry Rex, if I go all nocturnally nauseating this weekend, it's all Lorenzo and Maalie's fault.

Thesaurus Rex said...

"I'm preparing to forgive you"

lorenzothellama said...

Maalie is brilliant with little birds. Ever since he was nobut a lad he was catching birds to ring them. He used to show me how to hold them between my fingers, like in the photo.
Our mother was extremely tolerent of his unconventional hobbies and regularly looked after injured birds he brought home. I remember she rigged up a perch across our bath when he came home with a bloody great herring gull with a poorly wing. I remember sitting on the loo exchanging baleful looks with this large, rather scarey bird. We also adopted a jackdaw and all sorts of other bits and bobs of bedragled animals.

He is the most extraordinary bloke I know!
Lorenzo.

simon said...

AHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....cough cough cough!

This is the BEST post EVER!

ADN I loved the one about the horse riding...

Did you know I used to break horses in? true! I leraned the Pat Pirelli Method.... ( if you know what that is! !!)

Martin Stickland said...

Hey! Did you say the word SHIT on my blog? Well you would not catch me writing the word SHIT on your comments page .... OH SHIT! I just did?

Funny bird story by the way!

lorenzothellama said...

Martin: This posting is TRUE. All of it. You must NEVER creep up on a Maalie in a lay-by or in the woods. I did once and it turned my hair white.

If you had seen the TV programme (BBC1 The Nature of Britain) you would have seen the panic on the Blonde's face when Maalie asked her "if she wanted to do it".

Lorenzo.

Halfmom, AKA, Susan said...

Yes - two posts in three days and I haven't even had time to address Maalie's questions, much less read his lovely blog.

You are a far better woman than I - so no nagging for the present...

At least until I get bored and want to read something creative and new...

As to the shawl - which way is up?

Maalie said...

Hey, I was treated like a celebrity when I called at Mabel's Bakery for my daily two tea-cakes and a vanilla slice!

I asked at a haberdashery in Barrow Market if they did sewing jobs for helpless gentlemen (I need some trouser legs hemming). They do, so I'm going through my sock drawer to fish out all the socks that need darning as well.

lorenzothellama said...

I should think you were treated like a celebrity at Mabel's. I've already been offered ten grand for your life story from The Sun, but am holding out for the Sunday People.

If you can't get anyone to darn your socks, I would consider it an honour.

I have just had a telephone call from ITV. They couldn't get hold of you, but have asked me to ask you if you would like to appear on 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'. They have already signed up Julie Andrews, Ken Dodd and Rolf Harris for the next series. You interested?

Lorenzo T. Llama

Ted M. Gossard said...

LtL, I like your creativity. The shawl looks alright. Why would they disown you over that? Surely there are better reasons.

Plumpy said...

wait a minute! Maalie had a tit in his hands,

AND HE LET IT GO?????


I don't think we can be friends anymore Sir.

Ju's little sister said...

Wow, I have been MISSING OUT!

It's too late to regale you with tales of run-away horses at full gallop home after pretending to drink from the creek, of piggy-jumping and bucking, of scraping me off the addle as they pass too close to the gate post, of biting me on the arm when I tried to pet them, of kicking me, standing on my bare feet, running away, eating all the bread but refusing to be caught.

I love horses!
Tee hee, exposure can make or break you. I'm not as good with horses as my sister, but I do love to ride. (horses).

And Maalie on TV, hmmmm? Gosh - how is he going to fit back inside buildings with a head which has swollen to such proportions?

Maalie said...

> with a head which has swollen to such proportions?

Just for the record, the significance I attach to this event may be judged by the fact that I didn't even tell anyone it was on!

Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

Maalie... we can't let the facts get in the way of a brilliant posting :-)

lorenzothellama said...

'strue JLS. I was as surprised as anyone when I saw this handsome creature manhandling a tit.

It's only SINCE the programme he has developed a bit of a strut.

Lorenzo.

Plumpy said...

I would have played with it, Llama.

Ju's little sister said...

Oh yes Lorenzo!

Maalie, I recognise you kept notice the screening on the down-low.
I was referring to all the lovely ladies on these blogs stroking your...ego

;-)

xx

Maalie said...

J'sLS: Oh yes, that doesn't do any harm ;-)

Martin Stickland said...

Oh SHIT silly me, I thought it was a made up story (sorry Maalie!)

Well done that man for getting on the box.

Make us a cup of tea lorenzybum, I'm as parched as camel crutch.

lorenzothellama said...

Oh yes JLS, Maalie just loves his ego being errrm .. stroked. He actually purrs!

Martin: I have just run a 10K race and am much to tired to think about your camel's crutch. Would you mind running a bath for me, fill it with bubbly stuff and then bring me a glass of red wine. Thanks.
Lorenzo.

Magdalene said...

Perhaps when he and Big Dave go to Offaly, they could get other things stroked as well? You know, their foreheads or something, by a soothing Irish lass.

lorenzothellama said...

I expect Big Dave will be too busy stroking his owl. It's a big white one.

Maalie is still waiting for 40 lashes from some lady in a mask and fishnet stockings for calling his cuddly penguin an unsuitable name.

Lorenzo.

Ju's little sister said...

Sorry Lorenzo, I don't have photographic evidence of me handling hundreds of pounds of quivering flesh between my thighs, but if I go for a horse-ride when I'm home over Christmas I'll make sure photos are taken for you :-)

Ex-Shammickite said...

Never trust a blonde in the woods. Especially with tits.

Ex-Shammickite said...

And do you really have a friend called Fenella??
Well, thats a fabulous name!!
Don't ask me why I think that.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful clear images of tits! We don't have Marsh Tits here because live in a dustbowl. Try not to scare the birds away with your new shawl Hhehhee. I'll be visiting again :)

Martin Stickland said...

If you have just run a 10K race then surly you can run a bath (only a few feet in distance)

Did you really run 10K...well done that girl!!!

Howaaaaaggh!!! for lorenzypoop!

Ted M. Gossard said...

I think Maalie's hand looks alright on the photo.

Anything on the BBC or internet starring your brother?

Ju's little sister said...

Lorenzo I'm not so sure Plumpy would have only played with the tit. He sputtered a little with evil laughter when he read your comment...

v.word= sadtqw

Ted M. Gossard said...

LtL,
It would make you wonder if Maalie was a pretty girl from your pics, though I gather he's your brother. I have been to his blog. Quite interesting.

Ju's little sister said...

how rood!

I've only ever helped you Lorenzo

:-(

Maalie said...

Plumpy, I really thin you should see this

lorenzothellama said...

Well, wouldn't you, Mr Dawkins and Mr Darwin just say that piping plovers had better hurry up and become adapted by evolution or snuff it?
Lorenzo.

Magdalene said...

I love cats and birds equally and there's the paradox. No easy answer to this one.

Martin Stickland said...

You do not have to say anything and Mines a pint!

Susan said...

You are nuts!
That looks like what we here in Canada call a Black Capped Chickadee.

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