Last night I discovered an old bottle of Cointeau hidden at the back of a cupboard. I'll have that, I thought. I settled down to work on my soon to be finished, multi-coloured crochet shawl, and put Corry on.
Nice isn't it? Still I bet everyone will pretend they don't know me when I am wearing it, just like they did when I proudly wore my Lowestoft's fisherman's oilskins and sou'wester. It can be very hurtful when your family disown you.
I digress. There was an exciting episode of Coronation Street and wise words from The Diet Doctors when they failed to make an 18 stone lady lose weight! She actually put on 7lbs by the end of the programme. She was a stroppy little madam and wouldn't give up smoking for anyone, let alone the doughnuts, so perhaps not so wise words after all.
Digressing again. Should I make a cup of cocoa and get a digestive bickie or carry on watching. Decided on another Cointreau. Ooo, it's Alan Titchmarsh. Ooo it's nature. Well, this was interesting. All about male dotterels being cuckolded by their mates (nice one Alan), sphagnum moss and skylarks. I never knew sphagnum moss could be so interesting. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard this blonde Sheila (Maalie's word, not mine) start speaking in a 'David Attenborough' type hoarse, throatie whisper.
"If we are very quiet, and we creep up slowly, we might just see a twite in his own habitat". Cut to Maalie with something in his hand. Oh he did look nice in his little woolly hat. I think he must have known they were coming, because it's not always safe to creep up on Maalie in woods or lay-bys. You never know what he might be doing.
"What's that in your hand, my good man?" the Blonde asked. "errrrrrm ... it's a tit" replied Maalie. Close up of tit in Maalie's hand.
"Yes, very nice" she said peering closely at it. "I see you are holding it between your fingers". "eeerrrm .... yes. That's how you hold them. I'm going to let it go when I have put this little red ring on it's little brown leg".
Maalie deftly shoved a red plastic ring on the little brown leg. The tit was ready for release.
"Do you want to do it?" he breathed at the Blonde.
"Oh not again" she sighed. "We've only just finished you runcible man".
"Er, no, I meant let it go"
"Oh. Yes. Of course".
She took the little bird carefully in her hands and crushed it to death.
"Shit" muttered Maalie.